It is challenging enough to confront our own struggles with mental health, and
responding to our friends, family members, or even colleagues mental health challenges requires a completely different perspective and skill set. I want to take a second to
acknowledge this and reiterate that even the most intelligent, articulate
individuals seize up in these situations. Additionally, thanks to increased life-spans, at least six unique generations comprise our present-day society; and these different groups may have very different perceptions of mental health. Additionally, they have likely been taught significantly different responses and management styles when it comes to addressing it. With this in mind, I want to share a pretty straightforward formula on responding to other’s mental health challenges in the “right” way.
The first factor in the formula is validation. When someone feels validated, they feel
heard and understood. While simple in concept, this communication skill can be tricky
as often, even with best intentions in mind, we want to fact check others’ emotions
versus acknowledge them. An example might be when a co-worker tells us they
blew a presentation. In our efforts to console them we might say something like “don’t
stress! It wasn’t that big of a deal” – again, our intentions were good as our goal
was to minimize their distress around the experience. In reality though, the only
thing we managed to minimize was their feelings. Studies have indicated that when we
validate people’s emotions, we increase their satisfaction levels, they feel more
supported, and simultaneously we decrease the likelihood of misunderstandings and
arguments, as well as stress.
So now that we know some background on why validation is important, what does it look like in conversation?
Non-verbal validation might look like:
1. Mindfully listen – being present in the conversation and avoiding using our
phones, computers or engaging in side conversations
2. Making eye contact with the individual
3. Nodding our heads as they share
4. Body language awareness – awareness of facial expressions and arm
placements (crossed vs. at our side), relaxed muscles
5. Touch – When appropriate, place a hand on someone’s shoulder or giving a hug
Additionally we can utilize these simple verbal responses to validate:
1. Inserting an appropriate sigh or “mmhmm”
2. Using reflection statements to reiterate the person’s point. “I understand, you are
upset because X”
3. Asking questions or clarifying. “You are hurt because X, is that right?”
4. Normalize. “You are right. I would feel upset if this situation happened to me”
The second factor in our formula is empathy. Brene Brown is a research professor who has studied some interesting topics like vulnerability, shame, and courage. Brown’s work studying the impact of empathetic vs. sympathetic responses on relationships has produced some important findings. She shares that sympathy, understanding from our own perspective, drives disconnection in relationships, while empathy, putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes, drives connection.
Instead of offering sympathy or pity, what do empathic responses sound like?:
1. That sounds so hard and discouraging, I would have really struggled with that
too.
2. How frustrating! As you were sharing that I thought about my own challenges
with stress.
3. I can totally understand why you would be frustrated here, and it’s completely
normal that you would think and feel that way
4. That sounds really painful, I can imagine I would feel pretty hurt as well
I remember when I first started my career as a therapist. I was very anxious about saying the
“right” things to clients. In discussing my concerns in supervision my mentor gave me a bit of
advice that was initially a punch to the ego, but ended up being helpful. She told
me to get out of my head as I wasn’t actually as important as I thought!
Essentially, what she meant was while my feedback and responses were probably
helpful, they often weren’t as transformative as I believed them to be. This led me to the
realization that the validation and empathy, or connection, I offering was often more
important than any of my meticulously constructed solutions. I encourage people to give themselves the same grace. If we reframe our thinking, and let go of the expectation that we are going to solve the other person’s problem and simply connect with them – around the
experience or challenge- we are much more likely to be successful in actually helping
them.
So to review, the formula to utilize when responding to someone’s mental health
challenge is:
Validation + Empathy = Connection
If you or someone you know is struggling with a mental illness or poor mental health, please reach out to a trained professional. I am currently offering in-person and telehealth therapy to both new and existing clients, and we can work together to help you live your healthiest life.
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